


A Chaotic Road Trip

by TheManOfManyFandoms



Series: The Cul-De-Sac Chronicles [1]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Clingy TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Crack Treated Seriously, Floris | Fundy Deserves Better, Fluff, Gen, GeorgeNotFound Being an Idiot (Video Blogging RPF), GeorgeNotFound sleeps through everything important, M/M, Minor Angst, Multiple Pronouns for Eret (Video Blogging RPF), Niki & Fundy are Twins, Parent Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Technoblade Has Braided Hair (Video Blogging RPF), Tired Eret (Video Blogging RPF), Toby Smith | Tubbo Misses TommyInnit, Tom Gravy, TommyInnit Misses Toby Smith | Tubbo, Trans Floris | Fundy, Twins Wilbur Soot & Technoblade, Wilbur Soot and Technoblade and TommyInnit are Siblings, Younger Sibling Toby Smith | Tubbo, Zak Ahmed Loves Darryl Noveschosch
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-16 03:42:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 14,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28700100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheManOfManyFandoms/pseuds/TheManOfManyFandoms
Summary: The wholesome, but chaotic, road trip au that I literally can’t get out of my head! Enjoy!
Relationships: Alexis | Quackity/Karl Jacobs/Sapnap, Antfrost & Darryl Noveschosch, Clay | Dream & Floris | Fundy, Clay | Dream & Niki | Nihachu, Clay | Dream & Sam | Awesamdude, Clay | Dream & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Darryl Noveschosch & Sam | Awesamdude, Eret & Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Eret & Ranboo (Video Blogging RPF), Eret & Toby Smith | Tubbo, Floris | Fundy & GeorgeNotFound, Floris | Fundy & Niki | Nihachu, GeorgeNotFound & Niki | Nihachu, Ranboo & Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Ranboo & Toby Smith | Tubbo, Sam | Awesamdude & TommyInnit, Sapnap & Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF), Sapnap & Wilbur Soot, Technoblade & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Toby Smith | Tubbo & Phil Watson, Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit, TommyInnit & Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Wilbur Soot & Technoblade, Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit, Zak Ahmed & Antfrost, Zak Ahmed & Sam | Awesamdude, Zak Ahmed/Darryl Noveschosch
Series: The Cul-De-Sac Chronicles [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2180223
Comments: 583
Kudos: 1105





	1. Packing Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The packing up is just a little, slightly chaotic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AGES FOR THIS AU:  
> Phil: probs late 30s  
> BBH: 25  
> George: 24  
> Antfrost: 22  
> Techno + Wilbur: 22  
> Eret: 22  
> Dream: 21  
> Skeppy: 20  
> Sapnap: 19  
> Niki + Fundy: 19  
> Ranboo: 17  
> Tubbo: 17 (barely)  
> Tommy: 16

It was probably _far_ too early for the chaos going on in the three houses at the back of the cul-de-sac they resided in. In the house directly in the center, an, already exhausted, dad and his five children were frantically packing their suitcases. Phil, the father, had, quite sensibly, packed the night before, and was merely going from room to room, making sure his kids were packing properly.

In the first of three rooms, a curly haired young man was sat on his bed, doing his best to force tears out of his eyes. “Get over yourself already, Wilbur,” his pink-haired twin sighed long-sufferingly. “He’s not going to change his mind.”

As if to prove his point, Phil poked his head into the room and said firmly, “ _Wil_. You might as well give it up. We’re not bringing more than _one_ of your guitars, so get off your ass and help your brother pack.”

”It’s not _fair_ ,” Wilbur whined, standing up sullenly and collecting clothes from his closet.

Techno snorted, batting his long hair out of his face, “You’re acting like a ten year old.”

”Techno, be nice,” Phil said half-heartedly, chuckling quietly to himself.

”You’re all so _mean_ ,” Wilbur groaned, throwing some shirts angrily into his suitcase.

”If you say so,” Phil laughed, “Good luck with him, Tech.”

Phil elected to ignore Wilbur’s indignant, ”What’s _that_ supposed to mean?” and moved on to the next bedroom.

Where, Tubbo and Tommy appeared to be having a shouting match. “Woah, woah, woah, what’s going on here?” Phil asked, holding his hands out placating.

”He’s being a dick!” Tommy exploded.

” _Me_?” Tubbo yelped incredulously, “ _You’re_ the one being an asshole.”

”I want to bring my gaming setup and he said that you wouldn’t let me,” Tommy raged.

”And _I_ want to bring my keyboard, but he said there wouldn’t be room, with his gaming setup in the car,” Tubbo frowned, “I need to practice!”

”And I need to practice bedwars, dickhead!” Tommy shot back angrily.

”Well, I can solve this little fight right here and now,” Phil said sternly, “We’re not bringing the setup _or_ the keyboard.” Suddenly, shocked yells of complaint and outrage are being thrown at him from both teens. Phil’s not sure how it happened, but Tommy and Tubbo had somehow reconciled without a word. They both were pouring all of their energy into complaining to _him_.

” _Boys_ ,” he shouted over both of them, “We’re not bringing either. No negotiations. Get packing, both of you.” 

“ _Fine_ ,” they both sighed. Tubbo gave him a quick side-hug, by way of apology and Phil ruffled his hair affectionately. After a long hesitation, Tommy did the same, turning red, when Phil ruffled _his_ hair too. “ _Dad_ ,” he groaned, looking embarrassed.

Phil grinned at him, before moving on to the third, and final, bedroom. Ranboo was sitting dejectedly on the floor, in front of his suitcase; clothes, video games, and books strung around him haphazardly.

”What’s up, mate?” Phil asked softly.

”I can’t figure out what to pack,” Ranboo said, by way of explanation. He sounded so sad that it might have been funny, if it weren’t for the very real tears pooling in his eyes.

”Okay,” Phil responded gently, sitting across from the boy, on the other side of the suitcase, “What seems to be the problem, kiddo?” Phil had adopted all of his children, but Ranboo was the most recent addition to the family. Having only adopted him a year ago, Phil was still learning how to work with and comfort the teenager, just as Ranboo was still learning how to open up to the family and express his emotions.

Ranboo wiped at his eyes, with his sleeve. “I’m sorry,” he sniffed, “It’s so stupid.”

”Nah, don’t apologize, mate,” Phil smiled.

”I just don’t know what to pack. I don’t know how many clothes is too many and I don’t know how many video games I should pack. I don’t have room to pack them _all_ , but what if we’re there and I _really_ want to play one and then I get sad, because I don’t have it with me and same with my books and- and,” Ranboo took a shuddering breath, closing his eyes, in an attempt to calm down.

”Alright, we can work with that,” Phil said cheerfully. He spent the next fifteen minutes, or so, helping Ranboo pack, making sure to not leave the room, until Ranboo seemed suitably comfortable, with the contents of his suitcase.

—————

In the house to the left of theirs, there was an equal amount of chaos. It was occupied by four brothers and the partners of two of them. There was no parental figure in sight, every resident being over the age of eighteen. Despite this, the eldest brother, Badboyhalo, had taken on the role of supervisor for the day.

Bad, along with his boyfriend, Skeppy, had wisely packed the night before. They had both predicted the chaos the morning would bring and had elected to get their own suitcases packed after the other four had gone to bed.

This turned out to be a _very_ good idea, as the first thing Bad saw, when he opened he and Skeppy's bedroom door, was his second youngest brother, Dream, sprinting past at full tilt, arms full of odds and ends.

"What the _hell_ are you doing?" Skeppy called groggily after him. Bad was too dumfounded to even _consider_ telling him off for language.

"Speedrunning!" Dream shouted back breathlessly. Bad and Skeppy followed him to the room he shared with George, watching in either awe, or fear, as the man raced back and forth between his closet and his suitcase.

Somehow, even with all of the clattering and shouting, George was still fast asleep, in his bed. Bad stepped around the clutter on the floor, to softly shake George awake. "Good morning, you sleepy muffinhead," Bad said cheerily, "I know it's early, but we have to pack up!"

"Go 'way," George groaned into his pillow, "Packed last night. Gimme ten more minutes." Without bothering to wait for an answer, he was out like a light again immediately.

Bad sighed, but turned to Dream, "Can you wake him up in about ten minutes?"

"Sure thing!" Dream gave Bad a hasty thumbs up, as he continued to shove things in his trunk at lightning speed.

Dream didn't even flinch, when a high-pitched scream came in the direction of Sapnap and Antfrost's bedroom. Bad and Skeppy weren't _too_ concerned, but they made their way over to the others' room, all the same.

"What's going on in here?" Skeppy laughed, when they entered, to find Sapnap, Bad's youngest brother, holding a charred piece of fabric, in one hand and a lighter, in the other, with a horrified expression on his face.

"I fuckin' burned one of my bandanas," Sapnap shouted furiously.

"Language!" Bad let out a shocked laugh, "But how did you do it?"

"I just wanted to see if the lighter was working!" Sapnap scowled.

"I mean, at least now you know it _does_ ," Skeppy snickered. Sapnap shot him a glare.

" _O_ kay," Bad said, snatching the lighter out of Sapnap's hand, "Lighters are officially a contraband item. Hand any and all of them over." Bad and Skeppy watched in mild horror, as Sapnap pulled lighters out of increasingly nonsensical places, finally handing over a total of _ten_.

"What is _wrong_ with you? Skeppy breathed, completely dumbstruck. Sapnap shrugged, grinning.

"How does Ant put up with you?" Bad questioned, with a sigh. Antfrost was the fourth, and final, brother and the closest to Bad, in age.

Skeppy suddenly exploded, with laughter, "I think _that's_ how," he said, pointing. Antfrost was sitting on his bed, peacefully packing his suitcase. A pair of noise-cancelling headphones were comfortably covering his ears. Bad couldn't help it. He burst into laughter too.

\----------

The house on the other side, was relatively peaceful and quiet, probably due to it containg significantly less people. It was occupied by three siblings, who had lived there together ever since their parents had died.

The eldest of these children, Eret, had taken on the role of caretaker for his younger siblings, Niki and Fundy, for the last few years of their childhood. Now that the twins were older, Eret had gone back to having a much more sibling-like relationship with them.

Despite that, she still somehow managed to be wordlessly chosen, as the house's 'manager' for the occasion. Eret trusted his siblings to not burn anything down, so he merely kept an ear out, as he packed his own bags.

Smirking, he threw a pair of platform boots in, as an afterthought. Tommy always threw a bit of a tantrum, whenever Eret wore them. The teen hated it, when people were so much taller than him.

Eret froze, when they heard an angry shout from the twins' bedroom. Rolling his eyes, he quickly made his way over to them. Niki was laughing hysterically, something clutched in her hand, and Fundy was beet red, glowering down at her.

"I kn-knew you were a fuckin' furry," Niki choked out, between laughs.

"I'm not a furry!" Fundy fumed, "Now give that back!"

"What's this about furries?" Eret bit back a smirk.

"Fundy owns-" Niki didn't get any farther, before the man in question clapped a hand over her mouth.

"Nothing!" he squeaked out, "I own nothing!" Wordlessly, Niki threw a headband, with fox ears on it, at Eret, who caught it easily.

"It was a gag gift from Quackity, like a year ago," Fundy grumbled, snatching it back from a snickering Eret.

"Whatever you say, Fundy," Eret grinned, ruffling Fundy's hair.

"Fuck off," Fundy hissed back.

Nearly five minutes after Eret had gone back to his own room, he heard a triumphant, "You packed it! I saw you!" The next thing he heard was a scream of frustration.

\----------

Eventually, by some miracle, the residents of all three houses, were all outside and swarming the driveway. Phil took charge immediately, calling, "Alright, everyone! We have four cars, between us, and we're going to take advantage of it. No overcrowding, agreed?"

There was a general murmur of agreement, from everyone, but George, who was asleep on his feet, leaning against Dream. "Okay, who's going to be driving, aside from me?" Phil questioned.

Dream raised his hand, to a chorus of resounding 'no's. "What?!" he laughed, "Why not?"

"Because the last time you drove, you went fifty miles per hour above the speed limitm you muffinhead," Bad giggled. " _I'll_ drive," he added, walking up to stand beside Phil.

"I'll drive too," Niki offered. Phil was quite relieved that, so far, the drivers all seemed to be actually responsible people.

When nobody else spoke up, Techno sighed deeply, walking up to the other three. "I'll drive, I suppose."

"Excellent," Phil clapped his hands, "Now who's riding with who? Four to each car, aside from one."

"I'll ride with Tech!" Tommy offered excitedly, racing over to Techno's side.

"Me too, then," Tubbo said immediately.

"No," Techno said firmly.

"What?" Tubbo began.

"No," Techno repeated, "I think I speak for all of us, when I say that I'd rather drive into a ditch, than be stuck in a car, with both of you, for three days straight."

Tubbo and Tommy both pouted, but agreed not to argue. "I'll keep you company, my good man," Wilbur bounded over to Tommy, slinging an arm around his shoulders affectionately. Tommy grinned, as Techno groaned.

”I’ll go with Phil then, I guess,” Tubbo sulked, slowly walking over to Phil.

Phil laughed aloud, “No need to sound so excited about it.”

”I’ll try to tone it down,” Tubbo smirked a little.

“George and I’ll ride with Niki, if she doesn’t mind,” Dream offered. George nodded sleepily in agreement.

”Sure,” Niki smiled.

”I’ll go with you guys!” Sapnap said excitedly.

”Absolutely not,” Niki responded firmly, “Remember what Techno said about Tubbo and Tommy? That goes for you and Dream too.”

”Whatever,” Sapnap pouted, “I’ll go with Tommy, then, and we can be exiled from our best friends together.”

”You’re so dramatic,” Fundy laughed, “I’ll go with Niki and the lovebirds. One of them is taking shotgun. I don’t want to have to watch them making out in the backseat.”

”Ew!” Sapnap yelled, covering his ears with his hands, “I don’t want to hear that!”

“Yeah? Well I don’t want to _see_ it,” Fundy snarked back.

”Fair enough,” Niki laughed.

”Dream’s taking shotgun,” George yawned, “I’m going right back to sleep, once we get going.”

“I’m with Bad, obviously,” Skeppy informed the rest of the group.

”Me too!” Antfrost said hastily, “I’m not driving with any of these lunatics.”

Ranboo stepped over to Tubbo and Phil and casually rested an arm on Tubbo’s head. “I’ll keep you company, Tubbo,” he smirked.

”Well now I don’t want to be in the same car as you,” Tubbo glowered.

”Aw, I love you too,” Ranboo chuckled.

”Fuck you,” Tubbo muttered.

Eret hesitated, looking back and forth between Phil and Bad, before shrugging. “I’ll go with Phil,” they decided, “Maybe I’ll be able to keep him sane.”

”I take offense to that,” Ranboo sniffed dramatically.

”I will just start crying if you insult me again,” Tubbo agreed.

”Alright, get all your bags in the trunk,” Phil called over the multitude of voices, “Your bag with the things you want for the car ride can go at your feet.”

After everyone piled their suitcases into the car they’d be riding in, they cheerily waved goodbye to each other. Aside from the two pairs of separated best friends. Tubbo and Tommy were yelling unintelligible goodbyes at each other. Phil thought that it might have been something about soldiers being pulled into separate battalions? Meanwhile, Sapnap was yelling about how he had been betrayed by his best friends.

Eventually, they pulled away from each other, getting into separate cars. Eret took shotgun, while Phil got into the driver’s seat. Ranboo sat behind him and Tubbo behind Eret. “Everyone used the bathroom, right?” Phil checked. Three hums of agreement. “And nobody forgot anything?” Three more hums.

”Alright, then, let’s get going!” And, with a turn of the key, in the ignition and a press on the gas, they were off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you all enjoyed this first chapter!!! This is way different from my usual fics, but I hope I did well!  
> Any kudos/comments/bookmarks would be super appreciated!


	2. The First Hours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Each group’s various misadventures within the first few hours of the trip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should probably clarify that this au takes place in a world without a pandemic :)
> 
> For anyone who wants to know:  
> Car 1- Phil, Eret, Ranboo, Tubbo  
> Car 2- Techno, Wilbur, Sapnap, Tommy  
> Car 3- Niki, Dream, George, Fundy  
> Car 4- Bad, Skeppy, Ant
> 
> Enjoy! <3

Twenty minutes after they left, Techno heard Tommy clear his throat, as if wanting to ask a question, from the backseat. He tightened his grip on the steering wheel, willing himself to keep his temper. Tommy cleared his throat again. Techno continued to ignore him, even as Wilbur started to look up from his phone. 

”Technoblade?” Tommy called, sounding unusually hesitant.

”What?” Techno snapped, dreading the answer.

”I have to go to the bathroom,” Tommy said quietly, as if ashamed. Three identical groans resounded in the car.

“You’re an idiot, Tommy! Why didn’t you go before we left?” Wilbur asked incredulously.

”I _did_ , dickhead!” Tommy pouted, “I just- might have, perhaps, drank two cans of coke this morning.”

”Jesus, Tommy, what is _wrong_ with you?” Techno yelled.

”Coke is pretty good, to be fair,” Tommy laughed nervously.

”This is _brilliant_ ,” Techno could almost feel Sapnap rolling his eyes, as he spoke.

”Well, there should be a gas station in like two minutes,” Techno sighed, “We’d better all go, since we’re all apparently five years old.”

Sapnap, strangely, seemed to perk up. “Great!” He grinned, “There’s something I need to buy.”

”Well, that sounds...vaguely ominous,” Wilbur muttered, looking back down at his phone.

Techno pulled into the nearest gas station parking lot and muttered tersely, “Everyone out. Be quick.”

On the way back out of the gas station, Techno saw Sapnap slip something into his pocket, a devilish grin on his face.

They had driven another fifteen minutes, when Sapnap suddenly spoke up, shamefacedly, “Techno?”

”What?” Techno snapped.

”I forgot to use the bathroom in that gas station...”

”...I’m going to crash this car on purpose.”

—————

“Listen, Niki, all I’m saying is that if you let me drive we’ll shave off like an hour of the trip,” Dream grinned.

”That’s what I’m afraid of,” Niki muttered tersely, “You’re going to kill at least one of us, if you drive.”

”But, Niki, think of how much faster we could be going!” Dream wheedled.

”Trust me. That’s _exactly_ what I’m thinking of,” Niki said firmly.   
  
“Oh, c’mon,” Dream sighed.

”George, control your man,” Niki called back.

Silence.

”He’s dead asleep,” Fundy laughed, from the backseat, “That’s a bit embarrassing for him.”

”Yeah, you tell him, furry,” Niki rolled her eyes.

”I am not a fucking furry!” Fundy exploded. 

”Tell that to your fox ears, furry,” Niki grinned.

Dream exploded into wheezy laughter, “H-his _what_?!” Fundy lunged forward in his seat, attempting to strangle Dream from behind.

”I’m going to fucking choke you if you keep laughing,” Fundy snarled.

”Kinky,” Dream grinned jokingly.

Fundy flushed red, sitting back in his seat, “Ew, now you’ve made it weird. And in front of George, too?”

“I agree with whatever Dream said,” George muttered sleepily.

”I appreciate it,” Dream laughed.

”Besides, you think _that’s_ weirder than being a furry?” Niki commented.

” _Motherfu_ -“

—————

“Phil?” Tubbo asked, voice edging on a whine.

”Yes, Tubbo?” Phil acknowledged.

”I’m _hungry_.”

” _How_?” Phil asked incredulously, “We left an hour ago!”

”I dunno, but I’m hungry!” 

”Well, eat one of the snacks in your bag, then,” Phil sighed.

A brief sound of rummaging, before, “Phil? I think I forgot to pack snacks.”

”For fuck’s sake,” Phil muttered under his breath. “You’ll just have to wait, then,” he said, shrugging.

”I brought two five pound bags of gummy worms!” Ranboo said cheerily, pulling one of them out of his bag.

”Ooo! Can I have some?” Tubbo held out his hand expectantly.

”No! These are _my_ gummy worms,” Ranboo stuck a handful in his mouth. 

” _Ranboo_ ,” Tubbo whined, “Give me the gummy worms!”

”No!”

”Can I have some?” Eret asked from the front seat. 

”Yeah, sure!” Ranboo poured some into her outstretched hand.

Phil tightened his grip on the steering wheel, knowing exactly what was coming. Sure enough, Tubbo let out an upset scream. “That’s not fair! Why do they get the worms and I don’t?”

”Because you’re an annoying little shit and Eret isn’t,” Ranboo responded smugly. Phil heard a brief scuffle in the back and glanced in the rearview mirror to see Tubbo practically on top of Ranboo, clawing to reach the bag. Ranboo was holding it up, out of the shorter teen’s reach. “This isn’t _fair_!” Tubbo yelled.

”Just share the fucking gummy worms,” Phil shouted.

A moment later there was the sound of someone getting hit and then a wail from Tubbo. “ _Ow_!” He screeched, “Dad, he-“

”Shh, shh, shh,” Ranboo exclaimed frantically, “Look, I’m sorry, okay? Here’s some gummy worms. Will you be quiet now?” Phil glanced quickly behind him, to see Ranboo stuffing gummy worms into Tubbo’s hands.

”Yay! I got the worms!” Tubbo grinned.

There was blissful silence for a while, until Tubbo spoke up again, “Do you think piss would evaporate in hell?”

”What the actual _fuck_?” Phil laughed incredulously.

”I’m going to kill him,” Ranboo growled, “Phil, mark him down as my first kill.”

”It’d probably depend on how hot it was,” Eret shrugged, “If it was hot enough it might actually ignite.”

”Piss flame!” Tubbo grinned.

”That’s it. I’m killing both of you.”

—————

“What do you think the others are up to, Bad?” Skeppy asked, looking back at Ant, who was listening to music with his eyes closed.

”Who knows. Knowing those muffinheads, probably something ridiculous,” Bad smiled fondly at Skeppy, who rolled his eyes in agreement.

—————

“Hey, guys!” Sapnap exclaimed suddenly, “Guess what I bought?”

”What?” Wilbur asked, turning around to look, wary of Sapnap’s elated tone.

Sapnap pulled a lighter out of his pocket, with a grin. “What the _fuck_?!” Tommy screamed.

”Sapnap, you said Bad confiscated your lighters!” Wilbur gaped.

”He did! That’s why I bought this one!” The nineteen year old said happily. Tommy screamed unintelligibly, as Sapnap lit it, staring at cheerfully at the flame.

”Wilbur?” Techno said, a forced calmness in his tone.

”Yeah?”

”Please, for the love of the gods, tell me that Sapnap isn’t in my car, with a lighter.”

”Uhh, Sapnap isn’t in your car, with a lighter?” Wilbur said hesitantly.

”I know you’re lying,” Techno sighed. He stuck a hand behind him forcefully, “Sapnap. Put that lighter in my hand.”

”No! It’s mine! I bought it with my own money!” The accused argued back.

”Sapnap. Now,” Techno’s voice was dangerous. 

”Ugh, fine,” Sapnap sighed, “You’re no fun.” He placed the lighter in Techno’s hand, with a pout.

”I never claimed to be,” Techno said grimly. “Wilbur, put this at the very bottom of your bag and never let Sapnap lay another finger on it.”

”Will do!” Wilbur saluted at Techno, taking the contraband item from his brother’s hand. 

”Good thing I bought two!” Sapnap exclaimed cheerily.

”You fucking what?!”

—————

“Ranboo. Ranboo. Ranboo. Ranboo. Ranboo,” Tubbo was pestering the slightly older teen, who was determinedly ignoring him. “ _Ranboo_!”

” _What_?” Ranboo finally snapped back.

”Let’s take a car selfie!”

”A _what_?”

”A car selfie! I want to send it to Tommy, since there’s Wifi right now. Look what he sent me.” Tubbo clicked on a picture and turned his phone, so Ranboo can see too. It was an extremely blurry picture. All Ranboo could make out was Sapnap holding a lit lighter menacingly and Tommy screaming. A hand that looked like Techno’s was grabbing Sapnap by the wrist. Wilbur could be seen in the very corner of the picture, appearing to be laughing loudly.

”I don’t think that’s a car selfie,” Ranboo laughed loudly, “I think that’s a picture of a murder.”

”I’m sorry, what about a murder?” Phil asked sharply.

”Uh, n-nothing!” Ranboo and Tubbo both said.

”Just a funny picture!” Tubbo clarifed.

”Can I see it?” Eret asked.

”Yeah, sure,” Tubbo shrugged, holding up his phone for Eret to see.

He burst into loud laughter, “I mean, Ranboo isn’t _wrong_.”

Phil sighed, sounding somewhere between annoyed and disappointed. Ranboo quickly shook off the automatic tenseness that overcame him at the sound. Not once, in the year he had been living with the family, had Phil done anything more than shout a bit. And, even then, he was never _seriously_ angry. “Can you at least tell me that nobody is _actually_ dying?” Phil checked.

”Yeah, they’re fine,” Eret grinned.

”Okay, good,” Phil chuckled slightly.

”Ranboo?” Tubbo asked again.

” _What_?”

”Can I have some more gummy worms?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed!! Not me adding a little bit of Ranboo angst lmaoo.  
> Any kudos/comments/bookmarks would be super appreciated!  
> Thank you all for reading!


	3. McDonalds! McDonalds!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lunch time.

“Techno!” Tommy shouted. They’d been driving for a few hours, since the ‘lighter incident’, as they had all agreed to refer to it as. It was a bit past noon and Techno had honestly been expecting Tommy to start harassing him for food earlier.

” _Techno_!” Sapnap joined in eagerly.

”Yeah, Techno, why don’t you answer?” Wilbur teased, poking Techno’s arm.

”I will actually break your finger, if you ever poke me again,” Techno snapped, much to Wilbur’s apparent amusement.

”Techno, we want McDonalds!” Tommy demanded, leaning forward to poke Techno, as well.

”I checked Google Maps,” Wilbur smirked, “There’s a McDonalds, like, ten minutes down the road.”

”McDonalds!” Sapnap cheered.

” _Fine_ ,” Techno sighed, “We can get fuckin’ McDonalds.”

”McDonalds! McDonalds! McDonalds!” The other three chanted, all the way to the restaurant.

”I’m about to be arrested for triple homocide,” Techno informed them all, through gritted teeth, as he pulled into the drive-thru.

”Hi, what can I get for you?” A tinny voice asked from through the speakers.

”One black coffee, please,” Techno said, trying his best to not start laughing at the horrified sound of realization from Wilbur.

”Alright, will that be all?”

”Yes, thank you,” Techno replied cheerily.

”What?!” Tommy screeched.

”What is wrong with you?” Sapnap agreed loudly.

”Techno, you’re the meanest person I’ve ever met,” Wilbur said flatly.

”I know,” Techno’s lips twitched, in amusement. Effectively tuning out the sounds of Wilbur complaining, Sapnap yelling, and Tommy crying, he thanked the confused, but entertained, worker, who handed him his coffee. 

”Techno, man, are you serious?” Wilbur asked plaintively.

”Heh? Course I am,” Techno resisted the urge to grin. Even if he had to listen to Tommy and Sapnap throwing a tantrum, for the next ten minutes, before he actually bought them food, it was certainly worth it.

\----------  
"I'm hungry," Fundy informed the car.

"Me too," Niki agreed, looking over her shoulder, "Can one of you look up what restaurants are nearest?"

"I can do it!" The eager offer from George made all three of the other occupants of the car jump.

"What the hell, George?" Dream wheezed, "We thought you were still asleep!"

"I was! But I heard you talking about food, so..." George trailed off, shrugging.

”How did you hear while you were asleep?” Fundy asked incredulously.

”I dunno, I was hungry I guess?” George laughed awkwardly, pulling out his phone to do as Niki had asked. “There’s a Taco Bell, in like two miles,” he suggested, “We just need to take a left, when we see it.

”Sounds good to me, is everyone else okay with that?” Niki questioned.

Dream and Fundy both agreed easily and George yawned, putting away his phone. “Wake me up, when we get the food,” and with that he was fast asleep again.

”H-how the _hell_ did he fall asleep that fast?” Fundy asked, mildly horrified.

”You get used to it,” Dream chuckled fondly, “It’s impossible to have a movie night with that fucker.”

“I take offense to that,” George spoke up, somehow waking up again.

Fundy yelped, in shock, ” _How_?”

—————

“Dad, can we stop for lunch?” Tubbo questioned.

”No, I packed you all lunches. You know that, Tubbo,” Phil responded firmly.

”Oh, c’mon,” Tubbo whined, “I’m going to start crying if you don’t let us get fast food.”

”I will literally strangle you if you start crying,” Ranboo snapped.

Eret laughed loudly, as Phil sighed. “I was planning on stopping for dinner, but, if you don’t eat your lunch, we’re not going to have any dinner at all,” he threatened.

Tubbo rolled his eyes, knowing the threat to be an empty one, but he complied anyway. ”Fuck, okay, okay. I’ll eat,” he agreed.

Ranboo seemed stiff and frozen, even as he got out his own packed lunch. “Are you okay?” Tubbo asked worriedly, after nearly ten minutes of Ranboo eating mechanically. Phil had stopped at a gas station and he and Eret had gone in to use the bathroom, so it was just Tubbo and Ranboo left in the car.

”H-he wouldn’t _actually_ make us go without dinner, right?” Ranboo asked, voice quiet and nervous.

“No, of course not,” Tubbo smiled reassuringly, “He’d never do anything like that, Ran.”

”Oh. Okay. I- I should have known that,” Ranboo laughed awkwardly, though he relaxes quite a bit.

Tubbo gave Ranboo a quick hug, which Ranboo practically melted into and, by the time the other two got back to the car, the teen was as relaxed as ever.

—————

“Skeppy, are you alright with just eating the sandwiches I packed?” Bad asked.

”Yeah, sure, as long as Ant’s cool with it too,” Skeepy agreed.

“I’m alright with whatever,” Antfrost agreed, with a noncommittal shrug.

Bad looked oddly anticipatory, as Skeppy rummaged through his bag for the peanut butter and jelly sandwich Bad had packed him. Antfrost gave Bad an appreciative thumbs up, as he bit into his, which Bad returned with a smile.

Skeppy spluttered, as he bit into his own sandwich. “Bad, what the hell?” Skeppy yelped, “Is this ketchup and peanut butter?”

Bad burst out laughing, as Skeppy glared half-heartedly. “Sorry, Skeppy,” he giggled, “I packed you a real one in _my_ bag.”

”I hate you,” Skeppy huffed.

”No you don’t,” Bad grinned.

”No,” Skeppy sighed, “I don’t.”

—————

“Sapnap why aren’t you eating?” Tommy demanded, as Sapnap stared at his phone, rather than eating the cheeseburger in his hand.

”I’m texting someone,” he muttered distractedly.

”Who?” Tommy asked suspiciously.

”Nobody,” Sapnap responded defensively.

Wilbur turned in his seat to study Sapnap’s face for a moment, before turning back around, with a smirk on his face. “It’s either Quackity, Karl, or both,” he informed Tommy smugly.

“What?” Sapnap yelped, “H-how did you-“

”You’re _blushing_ at your phone, Samsung,” Wilbur laughed.

Tommy looked from Wilbur to Sapnap and back again, with a look of growing horror on his face. “H-he’s fucking _what_?” Tommy choked out.

”Sapnap has a couple of little crushes,” Wilbur smirked, in a sing-song voice.

”Who the fuck told you that?” Sapnap demanded, looking both irritated and horribly embarrassed.

”Dream,” Wilbur shrugged.

”I’m gonna fucking kill him,” Sapnap muttered.

”Shaking my head, Sapnap, shaking my head,” Tommy said, with an air of great disappointment, “I thought you were above such things.”

”What do you _mean_?” Sapnap spluttered.

” _You_ know. Thought you were stronger than that,” Tommy sniffed, “Thank me later.”

”For _what_?” Sapnap exploded.

”Eh, Techno knows.”

”I’m sorry, what do I know?” Techno asked sharply.

”Lots of things, probably. For example, what’s the worst word you know?” 

”What the- you can’t just ask people that, Tommy!” Techno looked about ready to smash his head into the steering wheel.

”Well, _I_ know another word for cat,” Tommy smirked.

”Oh, me too,” Sapnap grinned.

”Don’t you dare say it,” Techno warned.

Tommy and Sapnap glanced at each other, before both starting at the same time, “P-“

Techno shouted over them both, “ _No_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoyed! Any kudos/comments/bookmarks are super appreciated! Not me adding Sapnap/Quackity/Karl for the soul.  
> Also 1000 hits??? Fuckin poggers!!! Thanks so much, ya’ll!  
> I swore I would put in Ranboo angst for the lads in every chapter, so that’s exactly what I did lmfao.


	4. Motel The First

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s getting late and people are getting tired.

“Guys! Guys!” Tubbo shouted, “Let’s play Eye Spy! I’ll go first!”

”Tubbo, if you say another word I’m going to choke you with your own seatbelt,” Ranboo gritted out irritably, stifling a yawn.

”I think Tubbo’s right,” Eret said loudly, a smirk on his face, “We should _definitely_ play Eye Spy.”

”I hate you,” Ranboo deadpanned, groaning, as Tubbo began to loudly talk over him. To his own mortification, he began to feel frustrated tears growing in his eyes. He was completely exhausted and the constant loud chatter from Tubbo throughout the whole day was starting to get overwhelming.

”I spy something... green!” Tubbo exclaimed, a mischievous smile on his face.

”Hm, let me guess,” Eret said, with mock confusion, “It _can’t_ be the endless amount of trees on our left, can it?”

Tubbo gasped over-dramatically, “Surely not! How ever did you guess it so easily?”

Ranboo groaned, with frustration, clamping his hands over his ears. “ _Stop_ ,” he gritted out. He heard Tubbo’s laughter die, the moment he looked over at the older teen and felt immediately guilty.

”Ranboo, you okay?” Tubbo asked, voice softening considerably.

”Yeah, I’m fine,” Ranboo muttered, squeezing his eyes shut, “I’m just really tired and you were being really loud. It’s giving me a headache.”

”I’m sorry,” Tubbo frowned sympathetically, “I can be quieter.”

”I have a better idea,” Phil spoke up, voice blessedly quiet, “Let’s stop at a motel for the night. It’s getting late.”

“Thank you,” Ranboo muttered, “I’m sorry about this.”

”It’s alright, we’re not upset,” Eret said softly, reaching back to rub Ranboo’s arm comfortingly.

”Can you text one of your brothers and see if they can stop at the same motel?” Phil asked Tubbo, who nodded, in agreement.

“Yay!” Tubbo whisper-shouted, “Tommy said that they can!” Tubbo gave Phil the directions to the motel that the others had already been planning to stop in. They arrived within a quarter of an hour and Ranboo stumbled out of the car, grateful for the opportunity to stretch his long legs.

A car pulled into the parking lot a couple of minutes later and four more people joined their little group. Tommy and Tubbo clung onto each other, as if they hadn’t seen each other in years. Ranboo smiled fondly at the two, hoping that neither of them would see it.

”I’m sharing a room with Tubbo,” Tommy demanded, “Some of you dickheads can come, I guess.”

Phil rolled his eyes, before turning to Ranboo, “Techno, Eret, and I can share a room with you, Ran. Those four can be chaotic on their own.”

”Hell yeah!” Sapnap grinned, “I can terrorize Tubbo now, too.”

”I _am_ mildly terrified of you, to be fair,” Tubbo laughed nervously.

Ranboo was fairly certain that the entrance of eight people in the middle of the night, four of whom were actively fighting each other, gave the poor employee at the check-in desk a minor breakdown. Techno took it upon himself to put Wilbur, Sapnap, Tommy, and Tubbo, under arrest, marching them (and the suitcases containing their clothes) up to the room they would be staying in, the moment they received the key.

Ranboo Phil, and Eret made the journey to their own room, with considerably less chaos, which Ranboo was grateful for. Usually, he was down to cause some chaos, but his headache was only getting worse and he was happy to be quiet for now. “You doing okay, kiddo?” Phil asked gently, once they got inside.

Ranboo shrugged. “I’m better, I think,” he lied, after a moment’s thought. Eret, quite tactfully, slipped into the bathroom to change into pajamas, leaving Ranboo and Phil alone.

“Uh huh,” Phil said skeptically and Ranboo looked away nervously. “You don’t have to talk to me Ranboo, but I’m here if you need me.”

”Thank you,” Ranboo muttered, thankfully accepting the hug offered by Phil. They stayed in the tight, comforting hug, until the door creaked open behind them and they heard an awkward, “Uhhhh.”

Pulling away, Ranboo reddened slightly at the sight of Technoblade standing in the open doorway, a hand still on the door handle. “Uhhhh,” he said again, laughing nervously, “Bad time?”

”No, it’s fine,” Phil laughed, as Techno entered the room and shut the door behind him, with the air of someone walking into a minefield. 

”I’ll, uh, just be reading if anyone needs me,” Techno stammered awkwardly, claiming a bed and opening his book, clearly attempting to blend into the mattress. Ranboo nearly laughed aloud, when he noticed that the book was upside down and that Techno’s face was redder than _his_.

"I love you, Ranboo," Phil said softly.

"Love you too, Dad," Ranboo muttered, a bit embarrassed, but more than a bit pleased. Once Ranboo laid down, despite his pounding headache, he was asleep within minutes.

\----------  
"Tommy! Tommy, look!" Tubbo exclaimed, pointing at the screen of his Nintendo Switch, where he was playing Minecraft. "I built a bee farm! Aren't they adorable?"

"Yeah, sure, but they're not as good as Henry the Cow, are they?" Tommy smirked.

"Yes, they are! I might even venture to say that they're _better _." Tubbo said stubbornly, though his twitching lips betrayed his amusement.__

____

" _Venture_ ," Tommy snorted, "Stop using fancy words, dickhead. You've been talking to Techno too much, Tubs." 

____

This devolved into a petty argument that Wilbur elected to ignore, in favor of investigating Sapnap giggling at his phone. "You texting someone?" He asked, after sliding over to the younger man.

____

Sapnap jumped, yelping in shock. "Wh-what?" He laughed nervously, "I'm just, uh, texting a friend."

____

"That _friend_ wouldn't happen to be Quackity, would it?" Wilbur asked teasingly.

____

Sapnap sighed heavily, giving in, "Actually, it's Karl."

____

Wilbur grinned, "That's _brilliant_. He's so obviously in love with you, Sap. It's adorable, honestly."

____

Sapnap's cheeks flamed bright red, as he spluttered, "What the- what the hell? He- he's not... uh, _that_."

____

"Honestly, Sapnap, you flirt relentlessly with all of your friends, including your brother's _boyfriend_ and yet you can't accept it, when someone's actually interested in you?" Wilbur scoffed.

____

"And who do you think you are, giving dating advise?" Sapnap asked incredulously, "Didn't you write a whole-ass song, when that Jared guy stole your girlfriend?"

__"Take my advise, or don't! Wilbur responded defensively, "Your loss, if you choose to ignore how obvious they both are."_ _

__"You're fuckin' insufferable," Sapnap groaned, burying his face in his hands, "You're almost worse than Dream, somehow."_ _

__"You forget, Sap, I have _three_ little brothers, who I have to annoy. I'm very practiced, in the art of embarrasing people," Wilbur grinned mischievously at him, before gliding back to his own bed._ _

__"Lights out, children!" Wilbur called, comfortably ignoring the screeches of protest from Tommy, at being called a child._ _

__Sapnap began to text Karl goodnight, biting his lip, as he debated with himself. Finally, he sent the text, waiting anxiously for Karl's reply._ _

__He grinned at his phone, laughing, quietly, but giddily, when Karl's response went through. He went to sleep, with the conversation still shining in his mind:_ _

__Sapnap: I'm heading to bed. Gn handsome <3_ _

__Karl: Night, Sap. I'll be dreaming of you, until we talk in the morning. <3_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all: Any kudos/comments/bookmarks will be super appreciated!
> 
> Second:  
> OOPS, I DROPPED MY RANBOO ANGST.  
> Me: *desperately shoving my Ranboo angst into my pockets, while more and more falls out of increasingly absurd locations*
> 
> Ranboo feeds us so well, I have no choice but to provide to the frothing masses as well. 
> 
> Also, apparently I made Sapnap/Quackity/Karl into a whole side plot now? Oops, but pog
> 
> Also the streams for the season 2 finale? Fucking poggers? The green boy sucked it for the last time? Dream has a dragon hoard? He got Avengers Endgamed? He got boxed in like a fish? Any truers? Tommy pulled an uno reverse card? We’re not going to talk about the bits that made me cry? 
> 
> Say it with me, everyone: WE DON’T KNOW NOBODY. WE DON’T KNOW NOBODY.  
> The streams have left me with a feral energy and I feel that I must share it with you all.


	5. Picking Up A Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bad has room for a fourth.

The next morning, Bad woke up in his own motel room to being prodded by Ant. “Bad?” He asked quietly.

”Hm?” Bad said groggily.

”Bad, Sam texted me,” Ant whispered, “He lives nearby and he asked if we could pick him up, on our way.”

Bad grinned, “Yeah! Of course they can come!” Shaking Skeppy awake, Bad popped out of bed. 

”Wha’?” Skeppy groaned, “Wha’s happenin’?”

”We’re picking up Sam, Geppy!” Bad explained excitedly, “He wants to come with us!” Skeppy perked up immediately and they got ready quickly, leaving the motel much earlier than they had planned.

It was a detour that would probably add an extra half an hour to the trip, but, in the long run, Bad figured that it was worth it. When they arrived in Sam’s neighborhood, Ant sent him a text and, a moment later, a tall man exited one of the houses and waved to the car. 

”Sam!” Bad greeted loudly.

”Hey, guys!” Sam said, as Ant helped him load his suitcase into the trunk of the car. “Sorry to intrude like this. I wouldn’t have asked, if it was too far out of the way.”

”Oh, we know!” Skeppy said reassuringly, “We’re all happy to have you!”

”I’m happy to be a part of this. Thank the gods I didn’t get stuck with any of the others,” Sam added, with a laugh, “You three seem pretty chill.”

Bad and Skeppy exchanged a glance. “Right! Um, we’re super chill!” They both agreed, talking over each other.

Sam groaned.

—————

About an hour later, their dark predictions came true. Skeppy had opened his backpack to find an egg residing inside. Just an egg. Skeppy stared at it, completely baffled. “Bad?”   
  
”Yeah?”

”Why is there an egg in my bag?”

Bad burst out laughing, “I had one too many eggs, when I made them yesterday morning and it was just in my bag, so I put it in yours this morning, because I thought it’d be funny.”

”I will throw this out of the window,” Skeppy threatened, rolling down his window as he spoke. 

”Aw, Skeppy! Don’t do that,” Bad pouted. 

”I might!” Skeppy said, dangling it out of the window. They hit a bump in the road and the egg slipped out of his hand. “No! I didn’t mean to actually drop it!”

”Holy shit!” Antfrost shrieked, ignoring Bad’s remonstration, “Holy shit! It didn’t break! Bad, turn this car around. I need that egg.”

”It _what_?” Bad exclaimed, “How did it not break?” 

”I- I don’t know,” Antfrost rolled down his window, hanging out of it to look for the egg, as Bad pulled the car over to the side of the road. The moment the car stopped, both Bad and Ant practically threw themselves out of it to retrieve the egg, before something happened to it.

Sam and Skeppy stared at each other, both completely and utterly confused. “What’s so important about it?” Sam asked quietly, “It’s just an egg?”

”I don’t know and honestly I’m more inclined to just let them have their fun than to argue about it,” Skeppy shrugged, rolling his eyes, as they both barrel back into the car breathlessly.

Antfrost is cradling the, completely undamaged, egg in his palms, looking at it with almost reverence. “What’s up with that?” Sam questioned.

”It didn’t break,” Bad explained eagerly, “It _has_ to be special.”

”It- it’s an _egg_!” Sam said incredulously.

”It’s a _special_ egg,” Ant corrected, not looking up.

“Give it to me,” Sam held out his hand, “I bet I can break it!”

Ant made a noise that can honestly only be described as a _hiss_ , as he pulled the egg closer to his chest and away from Sam. Sam burst out laughing, “What the hell is wrong with you, dude?” 

”Language! And also don’t hurt the egg, Sam. Don’t be mean,” Bad ordered.

”I- you know what? Okay,” Sam threw up his hands, giving up.

Skeppy buried his face in his hands and groaned loudly, in frustration. It only served to make Sam start laughing again.

—————

Dream’s wheezing laugh woke up everyone in his motel room. “What?” George snapped grumpily, from where he had been laying next to the younger man.

”Sap- Sapnap’s panicking,” Dream choked out between wheezes, “Because- because he thinks that- that Karl h-hit on him.”

”And did he?” George questioned, curiosity overcoming tiredness.

Dream nodded breathlessly, handing over his phone so George could see for himself. “Oh my God,” George gasped, grinning, “He’s popping off?”

”How come _you_ never say anything romantic like that to me?” Dream asked playfully, giving George his best puppy dog eyes.

”Because I hate you,” George responded easily, shoving the phone back into Dream’s hands.

”No you don’t,” Dream grinned, leaning over to press a kiss to his cheek.

”I do,” George maintained, but he was smiling.

“Sorry to interrupt you two,” Fundy cut in, nose wrinkling in disgust, “But Bad texted to say that Sam joined the party.”

”Oh, that’s cool!” Dream responded, nodding.

”And, uh, not to pry, but what was that about Sapnap?” Fundy asked, clearly trying to look disinterested.

”He’s got massive crushes on Alex Quackity and Karl Jacobs,” Dream laughed, “And one of them seems to be reciprocating and he’s panicking about it.”

Fundy grinned, “So... what I’m hearing is blackmail?”

”Oh, most definitely,” Dream grinned.

Niki flicked Fundy in the back of the head, on her way past, “Like anyone can be blackmailed better than _you_ , furry.”

”I’m not a fucking furry!” Fundy fumed.

”Besides,” Niki smiled, “I think those three would be very cute together.”

Dream shook his head, in faux disgust behind her back and Fundy and George both burst out laughing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awesamdude supremacy.  
> (Also I just learned that Sam goes by he/they pronouns and that’s pretty poggers)
> 
> Also Karlnapity supremacy.
> 
> Any kudos/comments/bookmarks would be appreciated! <3
> 
> Sorry this one is kinda short lol
> 
> Rip the streak of Ranboo angst, but does it count if he’s not even in the chapter AND i gave ya’ll Ranboo angst in my other fic already??


	6. Tom Gravy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quackity and Dream terrorize George. Niki and Fundy look on in unhelpful amusement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tom Gravy 😌
> 
> (The conversation between George, Quackity, and Dream is HEAVILY inspired by George’s stream on Feb. 7 (early morning Feb. 8 if you’re british))

George was woken up about fifteen minutes after they started driving, by his phone ringing obnoxiously. “Hello?” He greeted groggily.

”Ey! George!” Quackity answered loudly. George winced away from the loud voice and put the phone call on speaker, in order to rescue his ears.

”You’re on speaker, Big Q,” George explained quickly.

”Any askers?” Quackity responded, poorly concealed laughter accompanying his words.

”What the-“ George began, only to find that Quackity had already hung up. “Oh my _God_ , why do I even try?”

The other three in the car started snickering at his suffering and he glared at them all. “I hate all of you. I have terrible friends,” he declared.

His phone started to ring again and he groaned. “ _What_?” He snapped, as soon as he answered.

”Why’d you hang up on me, Georgie?” Quackity asked and George could practically _hear_ the fake pout through the screen.

”I literally _didn’t_ , though. Like, I actually didn’t,” George protested.

”You literally did? Like you literally hung up on me?” Quackity argued and George closed his eyes, in the hopes that it might give him patience.

”You really did, George,” Dream smirked at him, “It was really rude, you know.”

”Thank you, Dream!” Quackity’s voice goes tinny over the speakers, as he raises it, “Anyway, George, did you hear about Tom Gravy?”

”About _who_?” George questioned.

”Tom Gravy! You know him, right? The guy who won his seventh Olympic gold medal the other day!” The younger man said, sounding exasperated.

”Yeah,” Dream agreed, “It was his seventh gold medal for... for, uh, for hot dog eating!”

” _Hot dog eating_?” George repeated incredulously.

”Yeah, it’s like a whole, big thing,” Dream nodded sagely.

”Did you not know this, George?” Quackity asked; scandalized.

”No! It- it’s not even the Olympics!” George shouted, “What the hell are you even talking about?”

”We’re talking about Tom Gravy,” Quackity laughed.

”Oh yeah and his brother, Tony. The guy who won sexiest mugshot,” Dream added.

”Sexiest- what?” George stared, in utter confusion.

”He said ‘sexiest mugshot’, nimrod,” another voice came through the speakers.

”Is that _Karl_?” George exclaimed, “Is he with you, Big Q?”  
  
“Carlos is here!” Quackity cheered.

”Yes, I’m with him,” Karl laughed, “But, uh, that’s not important. What’s important was Tony at the Grand Prix last night. Sexiest mugshot, George. You should’ve seen it.”

”The _Grand Prix_? Do you even know what you’re saying anymore?”

”Of course I know what I’m saying, George. I always know what I’m saying. It’s like you don’t even know me,” Big Q sniffed dramatically.

”I think he thinks you’re dog water?” Karl pitched in, “Like actual dog water?”

” _Is this true_?” Quackity yelled into the mic.

”I mean you’re talking actual nonsense, so...” George shrugged.

”It’s like you don’t even pay attention to sports,” Dream sighed, “Disappointing, honestly.”

”What do you _mean_? You _know_ I don’t watch sports!”

”Shameful, shameful,” Quackity agreed.

”How do you not know about Tom Gravy?” Dream asked, turning in his seat to face George.

”I- I don’t know! What were you talking about, with a hot dog eating contest?” 

”Oh, you know his goal for this whole year is like ten thousand hot dogs,” Dream said, with a smirk.

”That’s a lot of hot dogs,” George agreed, with wide eyes, as if he didn’t know that Dream is just talking out of his ass.

“Is this flirting?” Quackity accused, “Are you two flirting?”

”Ew, no,” George laughed.

”We are literally dating, George,” Dream deadpanned.

”I mean, you haven’t even asked me to be your valentine yet, so are we _really_?” George crossed his arms stubbornly and looked out the window to hide his smile.

”Will you be my valentine, Georgie?” Dream asked wheedlingly.

”Hm, no, I don’t think so,” George smirked.

A crash made him turn back around, to find Dream slumped over on the dashboard, pretending to sob into it. He burst out laughing, as did Niki and Fundy. “What’s happening?” Karl giggled.

”Dream just _died_ ,” George gasped for breath.

” **All around me are familiar faces** ,” Dream screamed into his hands.

Quackity and Karl exploded into laughter, as well. “Oh my _goodness_ , he must be heartbroken,” Quackity said, in fake sympathy.

Dream sniffed loudly. “Aw, poor Dream,” George smiled, “I think we need to call the Wambulance.”

“Karl and I are going to head out,” Quackity told them, once his laughter calmed down, “We’re going to call someone who’s missing out on all the fun.”

—————

Tommy nearly jumped out of his skin, when Sapnap let out a _very manly_ scream. “What the _fuck_ , Sapnap?” He demanded.

”Quackity’s calling, what the fuck do I do!” Sapnap screeched.

”Just answer it, dumbass,” Wilbur responded, without looking around. 

” _How_?” 

”Like this,” Tommy reached across and pressed ‘accept call’ on Sapnap’s phone.

” _TOMMY_! I fucking hate you! I’m going to-“

”Hello?”

”Oh! Hey, Quackity!” Sapnap greeted, voice cracking. He made a throat-chopping motion, with his hand, glaring at Tommy.

”Oi, Big Q! Sapnap’s being a-“ Tommy started.

Sapnap dove across the seat and clapped a hand over Tommy’s mouth. “It’s nothing!” He lied quickly, “How are you, Quackity?”

”What, I don’t get a greeting?” Karl’s voice filtered through the speakers.

” _Oh_!” Sapnap squeaked, “Hey, Karl!”

”We’re doing good,” Quackity responded, a smile in his voice, “And how are you, handsome?”

Sapnap’s entire face went red, as he opened his mouth wordlessly, for a moment. This speechlessness is cured, by Tommy licking his hand, in revenge. “Ew!” Sapnap yelled, “Tommy just fucking licked my _hand_!”

Quackity and Karl’s laughter made Sapnap smile softly and Tommy looked away, sticking his tongue out. “Affection. Disgusting,” he sniffed.

”Agreed!” Techno called back.

”Shut the fuck up,” Sapnap groaned.

”Anyway, Sapnap, have you ever heard of Tom Gravy?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is as short as Qua- I mean, this chapter is short, but I don’t really care bc this fic is basically just shitposting lmfao
> 
> According to ao3’s statistics, only a small percentage of you comment on- *gets shot on sight*


	7. JAIL

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dream’s teasing goes a bit too far and Sam steps in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not to shamelessly self promote, but my fic “They’re Just Children” was updated yesterday, if you’re interested in reading it :)
> 
> SHITPOST INCOMING:

All four cars stopping at the same place for lunch was a _mistake_. It had been ten minutes and Sapnap had already set fire to at least two bags of chips, Ranboo, looking on in mild horror, had already retreated to a corner, with Techno and Phil, and Sam and Skeppy were shouting at Bad and Ant, who couldn’t be dragged away from that stupid egg.

”Just go inside the _fucking_ restaurant,” Skeppy finally snapped at Bad.

” ** _Language!_** ” Bad shrieked, “And they wouldn’t let the egg in, so we can’t go in either.” He folded his arms stubbornly and Sam groaned.

”It’s just an _**egg**_ ,” Skeppy screeched.

Meanwhile, Dream could be seen tormenting Tommy and Tubbo. He had stolen Tommy’s two favorite CDs and was holding them high in the air, out of the reach of either teen. “Come get your music,” he smirked, waving the CDs just out of reach.

”Fuck you,” Tommy growled frustratedly.

”Really, Dream?” Tubbo sighed, “Just fuckin’ give them back.”

”Hm, no, I don’t think I will,” Dream grinned.

Tommy and Tubbo exchanged a glance, before both diving at Dream, in an attempt to take him down. “Oh, shit,” Dream laughed, taking off at a full sprint. He managed to lose the teens, by weaving through a crowd of people. His eyes locked onto the outdoor table, where Ranboo was sitting alone.

Thrusting one of the CDs into Ranboo’s hands he said, “Take care of this for me? And don’t tell T Squared that I was here.”

”Uh, wh-what?” Ranboo stuttered, but Dream was already gone.

Tommy and Tubbo came skidding up to the table a mere moment after Dream had left. “Ranboo,” Tubbo panted urgently, though he’s giggling, “Have you seen Dream?”

”Uh,” Ranboo hesitated, “No?”

”Huh, okay,” Tommy frowned, looking around to search for the taller man. “Where the hell did he go?”

Ranboo shrugged uncomfortably, staring down at the table until the other two teens left. After they were gone, he pulled out the journal he liked to keep with him and wrote down his absolute bemusement. He had no idea what the three were up to, but he didn’t know why they decided to involve him in their shenanigans.

* * *

He had gotten up to order his food and then his journal was gone. He had left it on the table, since he was only supposed to be gone for a minute or two. Where the hell could it have possibly gone? “Phil?” Ranboo poked his adoptive father, “Have you seen my journal?”

”You always have that thing on you,” Phil laughed, “How did you lose it?”

“I don’t know!” Ranboo was horribly embarrassed to feel anxious tears pricking at his eyes.

A shout from behind them made them both turn. “Oi, Tommy! I got it! I got Mellohi! Here, take it,” Tubbo’s triumphant laughter reached their ears.

“Where’s Cat?” Tommy called back. Ranboo stuck his hand in his pocket, where he had placed the CD Dream had given him.

”Give Mellohi back,” Dream insisted, smiling playfully and slinging an arm around Tubbo’s shoulder.

”Or, what, bitch boy?” Tommy demanded.

”Or, I’ll do the worst thing imaginable to Tubbo,” he responded, audibly fighting back laughter.

”And what could that _possibly_ be?” Tubbo questioned.

”I’ll steal all of your mini doughnuts,” Dream said ominously.

Tubbo gasped loudly, “You wouldn’t dare, bitch.”

”I think I _would_ dare, actually.”

Tubbo sighed, sounding resigned, “Don’t give it up, Toms, I can- I can survive without mini doughnuts.” Dream released Tubbo, looking disappointed that his threat hadn’t worked.

”A noble sacrifice, Sir Tubzo,” Tommy saluted playfully, “But, nobody answered my question. Where’s Cat?”

”I happen to have evidence of who might have it!” Dream announced and Ranboo’s heart sank. Really? Dream had given him the CD just to rat him out? He slunk closer to the three, leaving a confused and tired Philza behind.

Dream tugged a book out of his bag and Ranboo felt a spike of genuine hurt lance through him. It was his journal. _That’s_ where it had gone. “This, I believe,” the man said, smiling, “Is Ranboo’s journal. On the most recent page, is solid evidence that he was, in fact, on my side all along.”

He handed the book off to Tommy, who read it aloud, for Tubbo’s benefit. “Dream gave me a CD and told me to keep it safe and not to tell Tommy and Tubbo. I don’t know why, but it’s probably for some stupid prank. I hope it doesn’t get me eviscerated, or some shit.”

Tubbo let out an overly-dramatic gasp of betrayal, “Surely not! Ranboo, how could you do such a thing?”

”Look, I- I had no idea what was happening. Here’s the CD,” he handed Cat back to Tommy, who snatched it from his hands eagerly, handing back the journal, in return

”Really, Ranboo?” Dream sighed, looking a bit disappointed, “You’re just going to switch sides like that?” 

”Swi- what? I was never _on_ a side to begin with! Besides, you took my journal. That- that’s _private_ ,” Ranboo frowned deeply at the older man, “Speaking of which, how much of it did you read?”

”Eh, just a few pages,” Dream shrugged, as if it hadn’t been a complete and utter invasion of privacy. Ranboo _knew_ that he was overreacting, but he couldn’t help feeling upset about it. 

“You- you didn’t see anything... _really_ private, did you?” Ranboo asked cautiously, hugging the journal to his chest. He had that book since before Phil had taken him in. There were a lot of words inside that were extremely personal.

”Nah, I don’t think so,” Dream waved away his concern.

Something about the situation seemed to have caught the eye of Sam, someone who Ranboo knew was close with Dream, though he, himself, hadn’t spoken to the older man much. “What’s goin’ on?” He questioned, looking between the three teens and Dream.

Ranboo stared at his feet, not wanting to start drama of any kind. “Dream stole our CDs and Ranboo’s journal,” Tommy spoke up.

”I think it really upset Ranboo,” Tubbo added sadly.

”Wait, shit,” Dream faltered, as Sam turned a glare upon him. “Did it actually upset you, Ranboo?”

Ranboo shrugged awkwardly, which was just as good as a ‘yes’. “Oh, fuck, I’m sorry, Ranboo.” When the teen glanced up, Dream really _did_ look contrite. 

” ‘s okay,” Ranboo mumbled, feeling incredibly awkward.

Sam’s glare softens slightly, but he still points an accusing finger at Dream, “Jail for you, good sir.”

Dream groaned, “Sam, _seriously_? You haven’t done this since I was a kid.”

”Jail,” Sam insisted, “You made someone sad, so now you get a supervisor for twenty-four hours.”

” _Saaam_ ,” Dream whined, “Really?”

”Yep,” Sam nodded, clearly fighting a smile, “Now let’s go eat lunch.” Dream automatically started drifting towards the table where Sapnap was seated and Sam shook his head. “Empty table, Dream. You know the drill.”

”But, _Sam_ ,” Dream gave the older man his best puppy dog eyes and Ranboo couldn’t help laughing out loud. “I haven’t seen him for like a day and a half, Sam.”

Sam sighed long-sufferingly, “ _Fine_ , if he wants to take pity on you, he can.”

”Yes!” Dream cheered and the two went off together to find an empty table.

”So... what’s that about?” Tommy asked Sapnap, who laughed.

”Oh, you know Sam’s older than Dream, Ant, and I, by a few years,” Sapnap grinned, “So, sometimes, when we were kids, if we were like _really_ mean to someone, or did something particularly stupid, he would put us in ‘jail.’ Meaning, he would watch us for one full day, except for, y’know, when we were sleeping, or in the bathroom, or other shit like that.”

”That sounds... unpleasant,” Ranboo commented. He would hate the feeling of being watched all the time. A shiver ran up his spine, just at the thought.

”Nah, it wasn’t. Not _really_ ,” Sapnap smiled fondly, “It’s _Sam_ , y’know? He always found some way or another to make it fun for you. Half the time he’d forgive us, before we served our full time and let us go early.”

”He seems... nice,” Tommy said, with an odd look on his face. It almost looked physically painful for him to give someone a compliment. Ranboo smothered a laugh and saw Tubbo do the same. The two made eye contact, by accident, and almost lost it entirely.

”You should talk to him sometime,” Sapnap urged, “You’ll like him. Real good with kids, Sam is.”

”I’m not a _kid_ ,” Tommy snapped, looking offended, “I am a big man. The biggest. _And_ the strongest. And the one with the most women. But, not in a disrespectful way. I love women. They’re... pogchamp.” There was a pause, “But, uh, d’you think Sam likes Animal Crossing?”

Tubbo and Ranboo had to remove themselves from the situation, before they burst a lung trying not to laugh. The moment they were out of earshot, they laughed, until they were gasping for air. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad day, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RANBOO ANGST IS BACK. ARE YOU PROUD OF ME? BE PROUD OF ME. /j /lh
> 
> KUDOS/COMMENTS/BOOKMARKS. YOU KNOW THE DRILL PEOPLE. THIS IS THE PART WHERE I DESPERATELY BEG FOR VALIDATION.
> 
> *shakes hat at the crowd* Spare change for the greedy, I mean needy, sirs, ma’ams, and mxs?


	8. Lost In The Shuffle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy somehow winds up in the car, with Dream and Sam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FIRST OF ALL, HOW WE FEELIN LADIES, GENTLEMEN AND SOPHISTICATED NONBINARY PEOPLE?
> 
> I COPE WITH ANGST BY WRITING FUNNY CAR DRIVING TO VACATION DESTINATION FIC. ALSO BECAUSE I WILL SHAMELESSLY SELF PROMOTE, READ MY OTHER TWO NEW FICS THAT ARE UP PLEASE :)
> 
> LOVE YOU ALL, ENJOY!

Sam ordered a rearrangement of seating, in order to maintain the ‘grounded’ aspect of Jail. Niki wound up in the car, with Wil, while Fundy claimed a seat, in the middle of Tubbo and Ranboo. Phil wasn’t sure how he felt about that. Wilbur had claimed Fundy as his son, for some reason, and Fundy had taken to calling Phil ‘grandpa.’ It made Phil feel too old.

George just collapsed into the back seat, in Bad’s car and promptly fell asleep. “He’s been awake for what? Four hours? Is that a record?” Sapnap asked, examining the sleeping man, with a grin.

”Do you think that he’ll like the egg?” Bad asked eagerly. Skeppy rolled his eyes and Sapnap backed off, before he could get in the middle of an argument. 

Tommy had climbed into the back of the car that Sam was now going to be driving, in order to torment Dream. “Imagine being in prison,” he laughed, “Embarrassing.”

Dream shot him a glare, “At least I never cried over someone stealing a CD.”

”Shut the fuck up,” Tommy glared right back, folding his arms over his chest.

”So you admit that you _did_ cry?” Dream smirked slightly.

”So, since when did you get demoted to back seat?” Tommy changed the subject.

” _You_ shut up,” Dream shot back. Tommy smiled and turned away.

Sam got into the car a moment later and, looking back, had to do a double take. “Tommy?”

”Um, hello?” Tommy said awkwardly. 

”I thought you were in Techno’s car?” Sam said, looking slightly panicked.

”Well, I’m not? I can leave,” Tommy put a hand on the door handle.

”Wait,” Sam said tightly and Tommy stared, “The others, uh, they already left. Like, ten minutes ago, actually.”

”They fuckin forgot me?” Tommy screeched, “I know I’m the youngest of five, but I didn’t think I was _that_ forgettable.”

Sam gave him a sympathetic look, “Sorry, Tommy. We can call your dad, if you want?”

Tommy was already aggressively tapping on his phone. “ _Phil_ ,” he whined into the speaker.

”Yeah, Tommy?” Phil’s voice responded.

”Techno forgot me,” Tommy pouted and Dream laughed out loud. Sam glared at him and Dream held up his hands in surrender.

”Are you with anyone?” Phil asked quickly, sounding worried.

”Yeah, I’m with Sam and the bitch,” Tommy huffed.

”Oh, good,” Phil said, breathing a sigh of relief, “I’ve met Sam before. You’ll be fine, with him, Toms.”

”Ugh, fine,” Tommy snorted, “Bye then.”

”Love you,” Phil said.

”Yeah, _love you_ , _Tommy_ ,” Tubbo’s teasing voice called over the speakers.

”Shut the fuck up, bitch boy,” Tommy snapped, though he’s smiling, “The only person who is ever allowed to say that to me is Philza Minecraft.”

Laughter from Phil was heard, along with audible pouting from Tubbo. “Alright, stay safe, Tommy,” Phil laughed.

”I will, bye Dad,” Tommy said, with a roll of his eyes and hung up.

* * *

”Um, not to be an alarmist, or anything, but hasn’t Tommy been awfully quiet?” Sapnap questioned.

”Shit,” was all Wilbur said, laying his face down on the dashboard, in utter despair.

Techno groaned, “I thought you did a head count.”

”I thought _you_ did,” Wilbur shot back, “Fuck, Phil’s going to call us, when he finds out.”

”I’m not scared of anything,” Techno snorted. Not even a minute later, Wilbur’s phone rang.

”Yeah?” Wilbur asked slowly.

”How the _fuck_ did you forget your brother?” Phil asked, in a tight voice.

”Correction. I’m scared of _one_ thing,” Techno muttered and Sapnap stifled a laugh. 

”I don’t _know_ ,” Wilbur groaned.

”In our defense, we arrived with four people and left, with four people,” Techno said defensively.

”That’s true,” Niki piped up, “I kinda took Tommy’s seat.”

Phil sighed deeply, "Well, he's safe, with Sam, so you don't have to worry. Just... don't lose any of your brothers again, yeah?"

"Yep," Techno muttered, "Sorry."

"Same," Wilbur agreed.

"Alright, I love you both, talk to you later," and, with that, he hung up.

"That was terrible," Wilbur groaned.

"So... I guess we shouldn't accidentally abandon Tommy again?" Techno said awkwardly.

"Yeah... definitely not."

* * *

Tubbo wasn't sure how it had happened, but, one second, Ranboo had been playing Undertale, on his Switch and, the next, he was openly sobbing, as he played.

"Uh, you alright, Ranboo?" Tubbo asked cautiously.

"This is just such a good game," Ranboo said, looking up at Tubbo, with tears streaming down his face, "And there's something about it that's so special, but it's so sad. _The_ song is playing and- and Asriel is about to die and I just-" He dissolved into tears again.

"It really is a good game," Eret pointed out and Fundy nodded, in agreement.

Ranboo clicked a few buttons, before letting out a pained shriek. "No! It switched to the music box version!" 

"Pog through the pain, Ranboo! Pog through the pain!" Tubbo said encouragingly.

"Thank you," Ranboo sniffed. Undertale really was a remarkable game.

* * *

"So, uh, Sam?" Tommy said hesitantly. He hated how nervous he got around adults he didn't know well.

"Yeah?" Sam asked. Tommy decided that he liked Sam's voice.

"Do you... know what Animal Crossing is?" Tommy asked, ignoring Dream's snort of laughter.

"I've heard of it, but I've never actually played it," Sam admitted, "Do you like it?"

Tommy's face lit up, when he realized that was Sam was offering to let him ramble. "So, the newest game is good, but I prefer the old ones-" he started and didn't stop, until he was out of breath.

"That sounds like fun!" Sam smiled, "You'll have to show me properly, sometime."

"Wait, really?" Tommy grinned slowly.

"Yeah, of course," Sam nodded and Tommy bounced slightly in place, in excitement.

Sapnap had been right, after all. Tommy _did_ like Sam. He liked them very much. Maybe he'd be able to have fun, in this car, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoyed this fucking train wreck! This is the part where i beg for validation, ya’ll get it by now lmao. Me writing the Tommy angst yesterday and then jumping to this: PARKOUR
> 
> I now listen to Lemon Demon thanks to Mr. Boo, so, uh, that’s a thing now ig.
> 
> Btw, I’m??? So proud??? Of Ranboo??? I was there for most of the 12 hour stream and I cried??? So many times??? Like, I was already crying for so many of the Undertale scenes and then we would just hear HIM crying and it made me cry harder lmao
> 
> Anyway, bye! See you! Drink water and eat food a proper amount of times and take care of yourselves, or some shit idk. Love you, bye!


	9. Mr. Minecraft, I threw up :(

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They stop for the second night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: brief panic attack  
> Lmao you thought you were safe on this fic
> 
> Enjoy you glorious motherfuckers!

The second night, none of the cars wanted to group up. Skeppy and George texted the others, saying that they needed to isolate Bad and Ant, who, apparently, had started to take the whole egg thing a bit too far. Dream was still in ‘prison’ and Sam wasn’t going to let up, until the next day. Technoblade flat out refused to share a room, with any more people than was absolutely necessary.

So now, Phil was in a motel room, listening to Tubbo ramble, while he tried to fall asleep. Fundy and Ranboo had both managed to fall asleep, even through the noise. Eret was much too encouraging of some of Tubbo’s less safe ideas. The words, “Do you reckon I could build my own nukes?” made him sit up sharply.

” _No_!” 

Eventually, the other four all settled down and the room grew blissfully dark and quiet. It felt as if Phil had only been asleep for a few minutes, when he felt _someone_ standing over him. Now, don’t get Phil wrong. He loved Ranboo _very_ much. The moment he had brought Ranboo home from the orphanage, a little over a year ago, he had known that this anxious, sweet kid was his son.

However. He would be lying, if he said that he didn’t seriously contemplate jumping out of the nearest window, when he heard a very quiet, “Mr. Minecraft? I threw up.” He pretended to be asleep for another moment, in order to collect himself and, when he opened his eyes, Ranboo already seemed to be making his way back to his own bed.

The tall, lanky boy looked like some sort of cryptid; lit up by the moonlight streaming through the curtains. ”Ranboo?” Phil called, in a whisper. 

Ranboo jumped, turning back around, nervously twisting his fingers together. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, “I shouldn’t have woken you up. There’s nothing you can do about it now and- and I shouldn’t have bothered you.”

Phil softened immediately, beckoning Ranboo back over, with a wave of his hand, as he sat up. “It’s alright, kiddo,” he reassured him softly, “C’mere, you can sit next to me.”

Upon closer inspection, Phil could see tears still staining Ranboo’s face. He opened his arms, in a silent invitation, and Ranboo collapsed into them, sniffing quietly. “I’m really sorry for being so annoying,” the teen said, in a small voice, “You need sleep.”

”And I’ll get it after you’re feeling better,” Phil said firmly, “What kind of dad would I be, if I left my kid to cry himself to sleep?”

Ranboo’s silent for a long moment, letting Phil hold him tightly. “Thanks for caring about me,” he said, voice slurring, with tiredness. 

”Always,” Phil promised, rubbing his back comfortingly.

”I l’ve you, Dad,” Ranboo mumbled. Before Phil could respond, he felt Ranboo become something of a dead weight. He realizes, with a fond chuckle, that Ranboo had fallen fast asleep, with his face tucked into his dad’s shoulder.

Only a few minutes later, Eret woke up, presumably to use the bathroom, but froze, when he saw the two. With a look of absolute delight on their face, he grabbed his phone and snapped a quick picture. Phil rolled his eyes and she smirked, sending him a wink. Perhaps Phil would have been more irritated, if he too hadn’t fallen asleep, within another five minutes.

Eret took one more picture, for good measure. He wouldn’t use it for blackmail, but Wilbur could probably find some use for it.

* * *

In another motel, somewhat close by, Niki and Sapnap had a serious conversation. “So,” Niki started, “I have a problem.”

”Elaborate,” Sapnap said, steepling his fingers and eyeing her, as if he were a lawyer.

”I have a lighter,” Niki explained and Sapnap grinned, “And I asked two people whether or not I should use it. My girlfriend told me that I’m not allowed to commit arson, but my friend said that I _should_ , y’know... light something on fire. Advise.”

”Well, the answer, of course, is always to commit arson,” Sapnap smirked, “And I happen to have a lighter too, so...”

”You want to burn something?” Niki asked nonchalantly.

” _Fuck_ yeah!” Sapnap nearly clapped, with excitement.

They ended up smuggling a potted plant out of the motel and into the parking lot. Somehow, they managed to not wake up either Techno, or Wilbur, in the process. There _was_ one scare, when Techno had rolled over and had appeared to be staring right at them. They had frozen, before they had realized that the fucker slept with his eyes _open_.

”That man is terrifying on _so_ many levels,” Sapnap breathed, a hand over his pounding heart. Niki nodded in fervent agreement.

Once they were out in the parking lot, they each lit the tip of a leaf, on the little tree and watched in both satisfaction and fascination, as the fire consumed the plant. They both nearly jumped out of their skin, when a groggy voice said, “D’we have anything else to burn down?”

”Wilbur!” Niki squeaked, in shock, “You fucking scared me!”

”Sorry, Niki,” Wilbur smiled lightly, “I saw that you two were gone and I wanted to join your controlled arson.”

”No,” another voice said, gravelly, with sleep.

”Oh! Hey, Techno!” Wilbur laughed nervously.

”No,” Techno repeated, “Get your asses back to bed, all of you. I don’t want to be the one to explain to Phil why the three of you got sent to prison.”

”C’mon, Techno,” Wilbur rolled his eyes, “It’s not like you’re a saint either.”

”No, I’m not,” Techno rolled his eyes, as he chucked the (mostly burned) plant into the nearby bushes and herded them back into the motel, “But I know how not to get _caught_. You three couldn’t even get out of a room without getting noticed.”

”That’s fair,” Sapnap nodded.

”So...” Wilbur started.

”You’ll teach us how _not_ to get caught, right?” Niki finished for him.

Techno sighed long-sufferingly and they all drooped. He didn’t say a word, until they were all in bed. Right before he turned out the light, he grumbled, “Remind me to give you some tips tomorrow.”

* * *

Tommy didn’t much like staying in a motel alone, with Dream and Sam. He _knew_ Dream, sure, and he trusted Sam well enough, but it was strange to be alone with them. It had been fine in the car, when it had been bright daylight and Tommy was wide awake. But now, when he was tired and in the dark, it scared him somewhat.

It made him think back to some of the less savory people he and Tubbo had been left with, before Phil had come into their lives. Only this time, he didn’t even have Tubbo. He knew that he was being dramatic, but this mindset was, perhaps, why he had a nightmare, for the first time in months, that night.

He woke up sometime in the night, gasping for breath, without a clue of what he might have been dreaming of. The room was too dark and too quiet and it didn’t do anything at all to help Tommy calm down. His breath grew shorter, with every gasp, and he was starting to panic.

A hand on his arm made him jump, but, when he looked up, it was just Sam. “Hey, you okay?” The man asked, in a gentle voice.

Tommy tried to nod, but ended up just rasping, “No.”

”Alright, that’s okay,” Sam knelt down beside Tommy’s bed, getting on his level, “Are you having trouble breathing?”

Tommy nodded silently and Sam held his hand out, for Tommy to take. “Here, can you copy my breathing?” Sam was breathing slowly and steadily; a solid, comforting presence. After some time of just breathing, in a comfortable silence, (Sam giving him soft encouragement occasionally) Tommy’s breathing finally steadied. 

”You back with me, kid?” Sam asked, with a small smile.

”Yeah,” Tommy mumbled, embarrassed, “That was fuckin’ stupid.”

”I don’t think it’s stupid,” Sam informed him, with a thoughtful tilt of his head, “Everyone gets nightmares.”

Tommy scoffed, “Yeah, okay. I don’t need pity.”

” _I_ get nightmares sometimes. Do you think _I’m_ stupid?” Sam asked him seriously.

Tommy recoiled, “No! Of course not.”

”Exactly,” Sam squeezed his hand and shot him a quick smile. “I’ll let you get back to sleep, Toms.”

Before Tommy could stop himself, he blurted out, “Will you stay?” 

He cringed at his own words. How _stupid_ did he have to be? How could he have asked someone that he _barely_ knew to stay with him, just because he had a nightmare? Sam probably hated him now and- “Sure.”

”What?” Tommy stared.

”Sure,” Sam shrugged, “Scoot over.”

”Oh,” Tommy blinked, doing as Sam had asked, “You’re not... irritated with me?”

Sam chuckled lightly, “Tommy, I helped raise Dream and Sapnap. I’m used to much worse than this.”

“Oh,” Tommy said again, “Um, thanks, Sam.”

”Anytime,” Sam gave his hand another squeeze, before letting go. 

Tommy would go to the grave, with the secret that he slept better that night than he had in years. Similarly, Sam would never admit that it took him all of one day to gain a fifth honorary brother. Not that it mattered what they would, or wouldn’t, admit. Everybody saw it anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops! I dropped my Ranboo and Tommy angst. Can ya’ll pick that up for me? :) Anyway, kudos/comment/bookmark if you enjoyed! 
> 
> ANNOUNCEMENT! I’M MAKING THIS AU A SERIES BECAUSE I AM POWERFUL. Seriously, though. I’m having so much fun writing this less serious fic and I want more! And I have ideas for this series! So, if you want to see more of this au outside of this story (which is not over by a longshot) than like bookmark the series or some shit! 
> 
> Anyway! Love you all lots! Stay safe and all that shit and I’ll see ya’ll later!


	10. Jump Out The Cadillac

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 🎶 JUMP OUT THE CADILLAC 🎶 🕺

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some healing for you lovely people lmao. Canon? Who’s she? Never heard of her.
> 
> Btw, I’d like to clarify that the Dream in this au is in no way supposed to be a bad person. He just... fucks up sometimes lmao. (Canon Dream is an evil fucker though lol)

Tommy woke the next morning, to sun streaming through the open windows and the noise of quiet rummaging. He cracked an eye open to see Sam repacking everything he had taken out of his suitcase the night before. He was humming softly to himself; a little off tune, in a comforting way, and Tommy found himself wanting to hum along.

He stopped himself forcefully, however, when Dream accidentally made eye contact with him from across the room. The older man raised a mocking eyebrow and Tommy glared at him. Sam turned to find what Dream is looking at and smiled, when they saw Tommy. Tommy could feel himself going red, with the memory of what had happened the night before, and turned sharply to bury his face in his pillow.

Dream failed to stifle a snicker and Tommy wanted to simply crawl into a hole and die. No way in _hell_ had he asked a man he barely knows to _stay with him while he slept_ , just because he had a nightmare. Tommy groaned into his pillow. Sam probably thought that he was a total weirdo now. Which shouldn’t matter at all. Because why should Tommy care what Sam thinks of him?

Dream was still laughing, so Tommy steeled himself and sprung out of bed. “The fuck are you laughing at, bitch?” He snapped.

”Don’t mind him,” Sam said in a mock whisper, “He’s just bitter that I’m not letting him drive with George today.”

Dream’s mouth snapped shut at _that_ and it was Tommy’s turn to laugh. Sam winked at him and Tommy could feel his previous embarrassment lighten somewhat. Sam seemed as calm as ever and it almost felt contagious. He grinned at the older man, who returned the smile easily.

Tommy ducked his head to hide a softer, more genuine smile. Yeah, maybe Sam didn’t hate him after all.

* * *

”Oh no, oh no, oh no,” Sapnap groaned.

”What’s up?” Niki looked over to Sapnap, who appeared to be contemplating jumping out of the window.

”Karl and Quackity want to meet up with us, once we get to the beach,” Sapnap buried his face in his hands, ignoring Wilbur’s laugh from the front seat.

”Isn’t that a good thing?” Niki questioned.

”No!” Sapnap shook his head, “It is very much _not_ a good thing. I haven’t met up with them in person, since-“ he cut himself off, “Well, the point is, they’re going to think I’m weird.”

”No mental breakdowns in my car,” Techno ordered, sounding fairly uncomfortable, “Take it outside, if you have to.”

”We’re driving sixty miles an hour,” Sapnap responded, “What am I supposed to do? Jump out?”

”I will pull over and dump you on the freeway, if necessary,” Techno raised an eyebrow, as if daring Sapnap to doubt the legitimacy of his threats.

”Um, got it,” Sapnap gave him an awkward thumbs up and Techno nodded, smiling slightly.

“They’re not going to think you’re weird, Sap,” Niki rolled her eyes, “They’re so fucking in love with you, it’s not even funny anymore.”

” _Thank you_ , Niki!” Wilbur said, clapping his hands together, “It’s what I’ve been saying for ages now. Believe me now, Sapnap?”

Sapnap groaned loudly. “This is all Tommy’s fault,” he sighed, “It’s all because he made me answer the phone yesterday.”

Niki hummed thoughtfully. “We can prank him, once we get to the beach. My friend Jack Manifold would probably be happy to help.” 

“Revenge!” Techno cheered.

”Get his ass!” Wilbur shouted, in agreement.

Sapnap and Niki both saluted at the twins. “Will do,” Sapnap laughed.

”Let’s call Jack,” Niki said eagerly, “We can get started on our evil plot.” 

“Punt the child!” Were Techno’s eloquent words of support. Niki and Sapnap were appreciative of them anyway.

* * *

Dream and Tommy had been yelling at each other, practically nonstop, since they had left the motel an hour ago. How Sam hadn’t lost their mind yet, would remain a mystery forever. Regardless, it was probably a bad idea to leave the two alone in the car, while Sam stopped to grab snacks at a gas station. Particularly because neither had taken a front seat.

” _Now this interstate is paved with memorieees_ ,” Tommy sang off-key at the top of his lungs. 

”Shut the _fuck_ up. All the doors are open, anyone can hear you!” Dream yelled, “Besides, I made _one_ song. _One_! You don’t make fun of Wilbur for his music.”

”Maybe because they’re actually good, bitch boy,” Tommy grinned.

”You are an annoying child,” Dream glared.

”You are an irritating, disgusting man,” Tommy shot back.

”You cried when I stole your CDs,” Dream said smugly.

”Did not, bitch,” Tommy defended, “Besides, _you_ cried because you’re being separated from George for twenty-four fucking hours.”

”That’s not true!” Dream crossed his arms over his chest.

”Yeah, okay,” Tommy smirked. He put on a high-pitched voice, “Oh, Sammie! You can’t separate me from George! He is my life essence and I would simply die without him.”

”Shut up!” Dream groaned, “This is actual hell on earth.” Tommy opened his mouth, probably to start singing again, and Dream lunged across the car, in an attempt to cover Tommy’s mouth. 

Tommy jerked back to avoid Dream’s hand and Dream may have, possibly, accidentally shoved Tommy out of the car. Dream’s first instinct was to laugh at the way the boy had flailed to stay upright. His laughter, however, was pretty quickly quelled, when he realized that Tommy wasn’t moving. “Uh, Tommy?” Dream checked. 

He received no answer. Dream leaned over to examine the teen and cursed, when he realized that he was clearly unconscious. He had probably hit his head too hard on the ground, in the fall. “Oh, fuck,” Dream muttered, “ _Oh_ , fuck.” 

Sam was going to be pissed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is short, but if you enjoyed, drop a comment or kudos or something ig lol. Validation go brr.
> 
> Btw, don’t worry too much about Tommy. There won’t ever be more than mild angst in this fic and never more than moderate angst in the series as a whole :]
> 
> Also, fuckin wild how if you go outside, the sun is actually warm?? Like... who would’ve guessed??


	11. Youngest Child Privilege

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam finds out what happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I’d just like to say that I do not endorse not getting medical attention for head injuries. I just can’t afford to derail my fic THAT much lmfao.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!

Sam was suspicious the moment he walked into the parking lot and found Dream waiting by the door, shifting nervously from foot to foot. “What’s going on?” Sam questioned dryly, raising an eyebrow.

”Uh, hypothetically if a teenager hit their head on concrete so hard it knocked them out, would that be bad?” Dream asked tentatively.

”For fuck’s sake,” Sam sighed, setting off for the car at a jog. In the backseat, was Tommy, who was clearly just waking up. He rubbed his head, groaning, and squinted up at Sam. “Oh, thank the gods you’re not dead,” Sam breathed.

”What the fuck happened?” Tommy asked.

”That’s a good question, Tommy,” Sam said in a dangerously calm voice, turning to face Dream, “What _did_ happen?”

”U-um,” Dream laughed nervously, “He was being annoying, so I... might have pushed him? And he fell out of the car. I didn’t mean for him to fall out, I swear!” 

Sam shot him a glare and Dream shrunk back slightly, looking apologetic. Turning back around, Sam addressed Tommy instead, “Okay, how’re you feeling, kid?”

”Like shit,” Tommy responded eloquently, eyeing Dream with something like distrust.

”I’m going to call your dad,” Sam said, pulling his phone out of his pocket.

”No, wait!” Tommy protested, “I’m fine, I promise!”

”Tommy, you were _unconscious_. You’re not fine,” Sam shook his head, “Honestly, you should go to the hospital.”

”No, no, no,” Tommy argued, “I don’t want to go to the hospital. I don’t like hospitals.”

Sam rubbed his nose exasperatedly and said, “Well, it’s up to your dad, I suppose. If he thinks that you’ll be okay without going to the hospital, then I won’t make you go.” Tommy relaxed somewhat at that and went back to glaring suspiciously at Dream.

* * *

Phil didn’t know what to expect when he glanced down at his ringing phone and saw that Sam was calling. “Can you answer, Eret?” Phil asked, “If it’s important, I’ll pull over.”

”Sure,” Eret smiled, accepting the call. His smile faded slightly, as he put the phone to his ear. “Pull over,” they muttered.

”What’s happened?” Tubbo asked from the back, sounding concerned.

”Hold on,” Eret whispered, not at all unkindly. “Mhm,” he said to Sam, “Yeah, we’ll be there in a minute. Phil pulled over, d’you want to talk to him? Okay... okay... bye, Sam. See you in a bit. Tell Tommy that I hope he feels better.” He handed the phone off to Phil and twisted in his seat to face the two teenagers.

“What’s going on?” Ranboo questioned, fiddling anxiously with his sleeves.

”Apparently Tommy got knocked out,” Eret grimaced, “And he’s refusing to be taken to the hospital. Sam wanted Phil there, of course. They’re sending him the location.”

”Did- did they get in a car accident, or something?” Tubbo’s brow was furrowed.

”Apparently Sam left Dream and Tommy alone in the car for a minute and, according to Dream, they got into an argument. He pushed Tommy and accidentally shoved him out of the car,” Eret looked, rightfully, pissed at Dream.

”What an asshole,” Tubbo frowned. After a pause, he added, “I’m going to chop his dick off.”

Eret and Ranboo both burst into startled laughter and Tubbo allowed himself a small smile. “Seriously, though, is Tommy okay?” Ranboo bit his lip nervously.

”Well, he’s awake and coherent, so I don’t think he’s doing too bad,” Eret shrugged.

Phil hung up and turned to face the other three, looking worried. “They’re only about ten minutes away,” he informed them, “Five, if I speed.”

”Should we call Wil and Techno?” Ranboo asked.

Phil hesitated. “Well, no sense in worrying them, until we’ve gotten all the facts,” he said, “If Tommy wants us to call them, then we will, of course.”

* * *

It wasn’t long before Tommy saw Phil’s car pulling into the parking lot. The four occupants of the car all exited it and walked towards the other three. Tommy could see Ranboo skirt around Dream, eyeing him mistrustfully. Tubbo stared at Tommy, looking more anxious than he probably thought he did. 

Tommy slumped dramatically, crying out, “I’ve died, Tubbo, I’ve died! That green son of a bitch killed me, you know?” Tubbo laughed and Tommy hid a smile in his sleeve.

”Hey, Toms,” Phil smiled softly at him and Tommy wanted nothing more than to surrender his brave front and ask for a hug. It turned out that Tommy didn’t _need_ to ask, because Phil seemed to see it in his eyes, anyway. He opened his arms invitingly and Tommy dove into them, abandoning all sense of propriety.

”My head hurts,” he whined into Phil’s shoulder. Quickly, he added, “But not bad enough that I should go to the hospital. In fact, I don’t think I should go to the hospital at all.”

Phil laughed softly and Tommy frowned. “Don’t make fun of me, dickhead,” he pouted.

“I’m not making fun of you,” Phil assured him, “As long as you’re not seeing double, than you should be fine,” he added.

”Can I call Wilby, please?” Tommy asked, blinking up at Phil. Hey, he was allowed to be pathetic on purpose, on occasion, if it got him what he wanted.

” ‘Course you can,” Phil smiled, “I think Dream and I need to have a bit of a talk, anyway.”

”Kill his ass,” Tommy agreed, nodding sagely, as he scrolled through his contacts. Tubbo and Ranboo crowded into the car next to him, encouraging him to put his phone on speaker.

* * *

”Tommy’s calling, cease your plotting, for the moment,” Wilbur warned the car, as he picked up. 

”What’s up, you fuckin’ loser?” Wilbur answered the phone _extremely_ eloquently.

” _Wilby_ ,” Tommy whined.

Wilbur let out a soft _aw_ involuntarily at the unexpected nickname and Techno shot him a suspicious glare. “Did he do the thing again?” He questioned in a stage whisper.

”Oh, shut the fuck up,” Wilbur snapped, in a whisper, holding the phone away from his face, “Like you wouldn’t kill a man for him, whenever he calls you ‘Techie’.”

”That’s it. I’m officially disowning you,” Techno glowered, face reddening.

”It’s the youngest child privilege,” Sapnap spoke up unhelpfully, “I called Dream ‘Dreamie’ last week, because he wouldn’t share the ice cream.”

”Did it work?” Niki asked interestedly.

”Of course it did,” Sapnap turned his nose up disdainfully, “What? Do you take me for some kind of failure?”

”Okay, okay, shut up,” Wilbur waved at them to be quiet. “Yeah, Tommy?” He finally responded, voice softer than it had been, when he had first answered.

”I got knocked out,” Tommy said next. Wilbur gaped. He’s not exactly surprised, but he hadn’t expected to hear something like that at the moment.

”What the _fuck_? Where are you?” He asked, sitting up straighter.

”Just at some gas station,” Tommy responded casually like Wilbur wasn’t panicking, “Phil and everyone is here and Sam’s being nice.”

”Hi, Wil!” Tubbo’s voice filtered through the speakers.

”Hey, Wilbur,” Ranboo called, voice subdued.

”Where are you? Send your location to Techno,” Wilbur ordered. Pulling the phone away slightly, he told the car, “He got knocked out.”

”Deserved,” Techno responded immediately and Niki laughed, though they both looked worried.

”Ok _ay_ ,” Tommy sighed and a moment later Techno’s phone pinged.

”What happened?” Wilbur demanded.

”Dream accidentally knocked me out,” Tommy sighed, “Dad’s yelling at him right now and Sam yelled at him earlier.”

”Well, he’s going to have to deal with one more person yelling at him,” Wilbur said through gritted teeth, “Irresponsible bastard.” Tommy laughed at that and Wilbur softened again. “Alright, we’ll be there soon. Just hang tight, yeah?”

”Wilby, I’m _fine_ ,” Tommy groaned, but Wilbur knew that he would have been hurt if the older of the two _hadn’t_ fussed over him a bit.

”I know you are,” Wilbur rolled his eyes, “Doesn’t mean I can’t be worried about you.”

”You’re clingy, Big Dubs,” Tommy informed him, “Like Tubso.”

”Hey!” Tubbo exclaimed.

Wilbur chuckled, “Okay, then. Be there soon. Bye, Toms.”

”Bye, Wil,” Tommy responded and, leaving it at that, Wilbur hung up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, I’d love to hear from you all in the comments!
> 
> Also hear me out, hear me out. But, we need Purpled to have a villain arc so we can make man behind the slaughter memes.


End file.
